I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
