he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
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the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
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Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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