you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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