We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
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I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
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I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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