your parents love me but you hate me
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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