Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
