whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
