how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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