hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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