dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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