I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
