Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
im calling her cock vulture from now on
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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