he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
