i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Randomize
