true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
