just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
