it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
