I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
