She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
