how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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