If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...