Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
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