high people should be assigned attendants
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
