Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
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You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
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I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?