If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Are my feet made of real feet?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
