We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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