shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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