he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
