She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
