you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
