Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
PANTIES FOUND
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