oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
