there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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