Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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