my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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