So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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