He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
