I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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