I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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