I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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