Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
