We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
