she smelled like a LAN party
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
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Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
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I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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