I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
