I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
