the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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