Who wears a wallet chain?!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
