Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
