Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
