So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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