i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
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I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
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She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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