Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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