3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
