theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
