My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
