My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
