just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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